Monday, April 23, 2007

Crazy Giant Animals

Now I'm a city kid and don't get that much exposure to flora. Pigeons, rats, cockroaches, and people's pets are pretty much the only animals I encounter on a regular basis. Still though, I like the zoo and know lots of stuff 'bout lots of critters. I didn't know anything about Malaysian jungle science fiction enormous mutant animals though. Inch long ants. Yes, one inch. An Ant. Insane. Super gianourmous spiders too. Stuff that is supposed to be big and is isn't really all that crazy. Orangutans and Komodo Dragons in Sumatra were was big as I knew they'd be. Kangaroos are too big, but everything else in that petting zoo place in Australia was just what I expected. Saw a huge centipede, but I'd seen them before in the Smithsonian's Insect Zoo. I was pretty obsessed with the inch ants, but not so much so as to be inspired to write and entire blog.

I don't like scary movies 'cause I start thinking and worrying about monsters and stuff. For a few days I won't sleep well and don't like being in unlit, uncrowded places that are conducive to being gotten by monsters. Monsters ain't real though, and I know my fears are irrational and unjustified. Being scared of something real is different.

Was strolling around the hillside ocean view chalets (a chalet is a fancy word for a hut on stilts) where I was staying admiring the gorgeousness. A lady came on her porch saw me and we shared our awe for the spectacularity of where we where, then she asked me if I'd seen the lizards. I replied that I hadn't and she told me that they were huge: 2-3 meters. I smiled and nodded as she was older and clearly crazy and/or really stupid. There is no such thing as a 3 meter lizard. That's ridiculous. Maybe she meant to say 2-3 feet. She prolly got startled by one and overexaggerated its size. That's fine, but a 9 foot lizard is just preposterous. Later while eating breakfast on my porch I saw a lizard. It was good sized, head and body as big as a cat. With the tail it was prolly 2-2 ½ feet. Maybe 3. Certainly not 9. Silly lady.

A few minutes later I heard something off to the side of the porch. I looked over and DEAR LORD!!! It was surreal. Humongous on a scale that doesn't even make sense. Like Giantworld on Super Mario 3. Tried to get a picture, but the thing heard me and got the bejeezus scared out of it. Too big to be agile and quick like the lizards that crawl on walls and ceilings, dude stumbled, slipped and fell in a ravine, and ran under a neighboring chalet. Didn't measure, but if I had to guestimate I'd say 6 feet. Maybe 5'3" or maybe 6'8" I dunno. Wasn't the length so much as the girth though. I'm a 34 inch waist and it wasn't no smaller than me.

Found out later it was a monitor lizard. The internet doesn't have anything impressive to say about Varanus salvator, but whatever. I got photographic evidence of the other ones

Malaysia wins the award for world's most ridiculously oversized animals. And I didn't even make it out to Borneo, that's prolly where King Kong and Mothra and them come from


Joe said...

You should tame the giant lizard, and ride it.

Stephenie said...

People should read this.